They Choose Us

I had to say goodbye to our cat Visa this week after 18 years of loving companionship. She came to us when we were living in Seattle in 1996, a starving, bedraggled, very sick kitty who managed to pull herself into Greg's path as he was coming home from work late one night. We rushed her to the emergency veterinarian, where the prognosis for her recovery was very grave. "Are you sure you want to do this for a stray cat?", said the vet. "Yes.", we replied. She chose us, we would not abandon her. The vet warned us not to get too attached, as he expected she would not make it through the night. But against all odds, after 3 days in the hospital and a $900 medical bill (and the vet just didn't take American Express), Visa came home with us. 

She joined our family with 3 other cats who chose to be ours. Not long before Visa came to us, we had been selected by a long haired grey tiger striped kitty who kept coming to our apartment door and meowing loudly for us to let her in. One night while watching a favorite TV show, we did, and Dharma took her place with her 2 adopted sisters who had moved with us from New York. Q-Tip was a short haired grey with white nose, white paws and a thin white stripe along her belly who climbed into Greg's lap at a friends house. He brought her home after seeing her being tormented by an ignorant toddler. And Pyewacket was a solid black short hair, a true 'witches cat' and undisputed queen of our household. She followed Greg home from a night out in Queens, crossing a dozen busy city streets to stay with him. When he got to his apartment building, Pyewacket ran ahead of him up four flights of stairs, somehow knowing exactly which apartment was his and waiting patiently for him to open the door to her new home.

While their stories and temperaments were very diverse, the common thread for all our feline housemates is the fact they they chose us. We never went looking for a cat. The closest we came was with our most recent adoptee, Toby, who was abandoned as a kitten in the parking lot at the Disney Reservation Center. Greg spent a couple of nights coaxing him out of the bushes. Sadly, Toby was not with us long, developing a tumor in his throat about 2 years after he came to us. But he and all of our cats had good lives with us, and brought us much happiness. Dharma, Q-Tip and Pyewacket departed this world after 14 years, 17 years and 21 years respectively, and with such long lifespans, I know we were doing something right with our kitties. I will dearly miss Visa and her warm companionship. I am not looking for another cat to fill that void, especially with my plans to lead travel groups away from home for weeks at a time. But as Greg taught me, it really isn't up to me. If I am chosen, I will be ready.

Nothing Is Sacred

I have been avoiding the corner where the accident happened. It hasn't been as hard to avoid as I thought it might be, we have a lot of back roads in and out of our subdivision, but this week I finally drove past that intersection. I braced myself for a visit from the ninja, but as I approached, I saw the strangest thing - a man in a long flowing dress standing on that very corner. I had a brief thought of 'Jesus?' before I noticed he was also sporting a matching diadem. He was holding a sign for Liberty Tax Services, dressed in full Statue of Liberty regalia, and with the saddest face I have ever seen on a man in drag. Without thinking about it, I burst out laughing.

I knew it was a gift from Greg, and a reminder - NOTHING is sacred. Yes, there are subjects to be taken seriously at particular moments, and it is inappropriate to laugh at some things at certain times. But for Greg, no joke was off limits. Comedy is tragedy plus time. Everything we laugh at has a root in something that is painful for someone, and Greg believed one of the secrets to life was eliminating the time between when something is painful and when it becomes funny. If we can laugh at the things which are most hurtful or frightening or upsetting, they become less painful and scary, and their power to hurt us is diminished. So of course he would send me something to laugh at on that particular spot.

I believe in some strange and wonderful things that most others would probably laugh at, perhaps not to my face but maybe after I have left the room. But it's OK, because Greg and I laughed at them ourselves, and I think it's what has helped make our faith so unshakable. A god that can't take the occasional self deprecating joke can't be all that powerful in our eyes. And here's the real lesson. Eventually if nothing is sacred, then EVERYTHING can be sacred, and we might all have a little more tolerance and understanding for those whose beliefs are different from our own.

Update

Here are the mundane details that have developed within the last 60 days. Be aware that some of what I am writing may evoke disturbing images, and I am sorry for that. But I am sure most of you already have a picture in your mind of what happened, so these details will hopefully bring some comfort to replace any uncertainty that is swirling around.

The accident report is almost complete, and the collision was not Greg's fault - the other driver was driving without her lights on. That was an important detail to me, because I know what a cautious driver Greg always was. I had some small nagging guilt that he had somehow been careless trying to rush home to me because he knew I was sick. Silly me. The witness who was right behind him actually made a point of saying she had been annoyed with him before the crash because he was being TOO cautious. You know how sometimes when you make a left turn at a traffic light you might pull partly into the intersection in order to make the turn just after the light changes? Not Greg. Never Greg. He always waited behind the white line until the way was clear, even if it meant waiting for the next green light. That night was no exception, according to the witness. He waited behind the line, the way looked clear so he made the turn. She didn't see the other car coming either until it was too late.

Ironically I was involved in an almost identical crash when we lived in Seattle. I was coming home from work and made the left turn into our apartment complex and was hit by a Jaguar that was driving without its lights on. It had just pulled out of the gas station next door, so the impact wasn't as great, but it totalled my Volvo and left me with bruises, cuts and sore muscles. I didn't know at the time it was also leaving me a memory that would bring me tremendous comfort now, the knowledge that Greg had absolutely no idea that he was in an accident. I remember making the turn, then the next thing I knew I was sitting dazed and confused in a crunched car. So Greg would have had no expectation, no fear, no knowledge of the impact. I am so deeply thankful for that knowledge, and so incredibly fortunate to have it. So many people are left to wonder what those last moments would have been like for their loved ones, and I know.

Some people have asked if I am going to sue, and as of right now I see no point to it. The other drivers insurance company has offered to settle for the full coverage amount, which is the minimum required by state law, and my insurance company will pay an additional amount for underinsured motorist coverage. No amount could ever really be considered sufficient, but it's enough for me to clear some debt and have a little bit of a cushion to fall back on. The other driver has to live with the fact that she killed someone. She didn't mean to, it was a mistake, and I can't imagine how she will be able to reconcile that with herself. I ask the gods to give her comfort, and also to her 14 year old daughter who was in the car with her. It's still somewhat early in my grieving process, but so far I have felt very little anger towards her, only sadness. I suppose that could change later, but right now I am more interested in moving on with my life.

To that end I am making plans to make a few changes. Greg and I had been working towards a new lifepath with a career change for both of us, so I was already in the mindset of leaving my current position. Right now I am looking at taking a course to become a certified tour director to lead tour groups on guided journeys, whether locally, domestically or internationally. I know Greg would be happy to see me starting a new adventure, and using my skills of directing and performing in conjunction with my passion for travel. With a little luck and lots of planning, I'll be embarking on a career that is ultimately fulfilling to my soul as well as earning my living. My mom will be able to continue living with me and can take care of the house and the cat while I go on tours, and she will benefit from being able to rent her apartment for as long as we decide to live together. It's just another gift from the gods that I want to take advantage of. I haven't set a firm date for the change, but I expect it to be within the next couple of months, and I'm really looking forward to the challenge and the change.

I will write more with this blog, as I know I will forever be learning from Greg. For those who may be interested in finding out more about our lives together and my future endeavors, I invite you to stay tuned.

Things Greg Knows Now

1. How does David Blaine do that?
2. Who killed the Kennedys? Was it really you and me?
3. Where is the sterncastle treasure of the Atocha shipwreck in the Florida Keys?
4. Was Obama really born in Hawaii?
5. Why does George Lucas keep screwing with the Star Wars movies?
6. When does life begin?
7. Is there intelligent life on other planets?
8. Is there intelligent life on THIS planet?
9. What are this week's Powerball numbers?
10. How much do I love him and miss him each and every day?

My fervent hope is that in his now infinite wisdom he can guide me somehow in making the best possible choices in my life, for my own development and to honor his memory.