They Choose Us

I had to say goodbye to our cat Visa this week after 18 years of loving companionship. She came to us when we were living in Seattle in 1996, a starving, bedraggled, very sick kitty who managed to pull herself into Greg's path as he was coming home from work late one night. We rushed her to the emergency veterinarian, where the prognosis for her recovery was very grave. "Are you sure you want to do this for a stray cat?", said the vet. "Yes.", we replied. She chose us, we would not abandon her. The vet warned us not to get too attached, as he expected she would not make it through the night. But against all odds, after 3 days in the hospital and a $900 medical bill (and the vet just didn't take American Express), Visa came home with us. 

She joined our family with 3 other cats who chose to be ours. Not long before Visa came to us, we had been selected by a long haired grey tiger striped kitty who kept coming to our apartment door and meowing loudly for us to let her in. One night while watching a favorite TV show, we did, and Dharma took her place with her 2 adopted sisters who had moved with us from New York. Q-Tip was a short haired grey with white nose, white paws and a thin white stripe along her belly who climbed into Greg's lap at a friends house. He brought her home after seeing her being tormented by an ignorant toddler. And Pyewacket was a solid black short hair, a true 'witches cat' and undisputed queen of our household. She followed Greg home from a night out in Queens, crossing a dozen busy city streets to stay with him. When he got to his apartment building, Pyewacket ran ahead of him up four flights of stairs, somehow knowing exactly which apartment was his and waiting patiently for him to open the door to her new home.

While their stories and temperaments were very diverse, the common thread for all our feline housemates is the fact they they chose us. We never went looking for a cat. The closest we came was with our most recent adoptee, Toby, who was abandoned as a kitten in the parking lot at the Disney Reservation Center. Greg spent a couple of nights coaxing him out of the bushes. Sadly, Toby was not with us long, developing a tumor in his throat about 2 years after he came to us. But he and all of our cats had good lives with us, and brought us much happiness. Dharma, Q-Tip and Pyewacket departed this world after 14 years, 17 years and 21 years respectively, and with such long lifespans, I know we were doing something right with our kitties. I will dearly miss Visa and her warm companionship. I am not looking for another cat to fill that void, especially with my plans to lead travel groups away from home for weeks at a time. But as Greg taught me, it really isn't up to me. If I am chosen, I will be ready.

Nothing Is Sacred

I have been avoiding the corner where the accident happened. It hasn't been as hard to avoid as I thought it might be, we have a lot of back roads in and out of our subdivision, but this week I finally drove past that intersection. I braced myself for a visit from the ninja, but as I approached, I saw the strangest thing - a man in a long flowing dress standing on that very corner. I had a brief thought of 'Jesus?' before I noticed he was also sporting a matching diadem. He was holding a sign for Liberty Tax Services, dressed in full Statue of Liberty regalia, and with the saddest face I have ever seen on a man in drag. Without thinking about it, I burst out laughing.

I knew it was a gift from Greg, and a reminder - NOTHING is sacred. Yes, there are subjects to be taken seriously at particular moments, and it is inappropriate to laugh at some things at certain times. But for Greg, no joke was off limits. Comedy is tragedy plus time. Everything we laugh at has a root in something that is painful for someone, and Greg believed one of the secrets to life was eliminating the time between when something is painful and when it becomes funny. If we can laugh at the things which are most hurtful or frightening or upsetting, they become less painful and scary, and their power to hurt us is diminished. So of course he would send me something to laugh at on that particular spot.

I believe in some strange and wonderful things that most others would probably laugh at, perhaps not to my face but maybe after I have left the room. But it's OK, because Greg and I laughed at them ourselves, and I think it's what has helped make our faith so unshakable. A god that can't take the occasional self deprecating joke can't be all that powerful in our eyes. And here's the real lesson. Eventually if nothing is sacred, then EVERYTHING can be sacred, and we might all have a little more tolerance and understanding for those whose beliefs are different from our own.

Update

Here are the mundane details that have developed within the last 60 days. Be aware that some of what I am writing may evoke disturbing images, and I am sorry for that. But I am sure most of you already have a picture in your mind of what happened, so these details will hopefully bring some comfort to replace any uncertainty that is swirling around.

The accident report is almost complete, and the collision was not Greg's fault - the other driver was driving without her lights on. That was an important detail to me, because I know what a cautious driver Greg always was. I had some small nagging guilt that he had somehow been careless trying to rush home to me because he knew I was sick. Silly me. The witness who was right behind him actually made a point of saying she had been annoyed with him before the crash because he was being TOO cautious. You know how sometimes when you make a left turn at a traffic light you might pull partly into the intersection in order to make the turn just after the light changes? Not Greg. Never Greg. He always waited behind the white line until the way was clear, even if it meant waiting for the next green light. That night was no exception, according to the witness. He waited behind the line, the way looked clear so he made the turn. She didn't see the other car coming either until it was too late.

Ironically I was involved in an almost identical crash when we lived in Seattle. I was coming home from work and made the left turn into our apartment complex and was hit by a Jaguar that was driving without its lights on. It had just pulled out of the gas station next door, so the impact wasn't as great, but it totalled my Volvo and left me with bruises, cuts and sore muscles. I didn't know at the time it was also leaving me a memory that would bring me tremendous comfort now, the knowledge that Greg had absolutely no idea that he was in an accident. I remember making the turn, then the next thing I knew I was sitting dazed and confused in a crunched car. So Greg would have had no expectation, no fear, no knowledge of the impact. I am so deeply thankful for that knowledge, and so incredibly fortunate to have it. So many people are left to wonder what those last moments would have been like for their loved ones, and I know.

Some people have asked if I am going to sue, and as of right now I see no point to it. The other drivers insurance company has offered to settle for the full coverage amount, which is the minimum required by state law, and my insurance company will pay an additional amount for underinsured motorist coverage. No amount could ever really be considered sufficient, but it's enough for me to clear some debt and have a little bit of a cushion to fall back on. The other driver has to live with the fact that she killed someone. She didn't mean to, it was a mistake, and I can't imagine how she will be able to reconcile that with herself. I ask the gods to give her comfort, and also to her 14 year old daughter who was in the car with her. It's still somewhat early in my grieving process, but so far I have felt very little anger towards her, only sadness. I suppose that could change later, but right now I am more interested in moving on with my life.

To that end I am making plans to make a few changes. Greg and I had been working towards a new lifepath with a career change for both of us, so I was already in the mindset of leaving my current position. Right now I am looking at taking a course to become a certified tour director to lead tour groups on guided journeys, whether locally, domestically or internationally. I know Greg would be happy to see me starting a new adventure, and using my skills of directing and performing in conjunction with my passion for travel. With a little luck and lots of planning, I'll be embarking on a career that is ultimately fulfilling to my soul as well as earning my living. My mom will be able to continue living with me and can take care of the house and the cat while I go on tours, and she will benefit from being able to rent her apartment for as long as we decide to live together. It's just another gift from the gods that I want to take advantage of. I haven't set a firm date for the change, but I expect it to be within the next couple of months, and I'm really looking forward to the challenge and the change.

I will write more with this blog, as I know I will forever be learning from Greg. For those who may be interested in finding out more about our lives together and my future endeavors, I invite you to stay tuned.

Things Greg Knows Now

1. How does David Blaine do that?
2. Who killed the Kennedys? Was it really you and me?
3. Where is the sterncastle treasure of the Atocha shipwreck in the Florida Keys?
4. Was Obama really born in Hawaii?
5. Why does George Lucas keep screwing with the Star Wars movies?
6. When does life begin?
7. Is there intelligent life on other planets?
8. Is there intelligent life on THIS planet?
9. What are this week's Powerball numbers?
10. How much do I love him and miss him each and every day?

My fervent hope is that in his now infinite wisdom he can guide me somehow in making the best possible choices in my life, for my own development and to honor his memory.

'Twilight' is wrong

I will be honest, Greg liked the 'Twilight' movies. He watched them whenever they came on cable, and we actually went to the theaters to see the final installment in the franchise. We agreed that the baby was incredibly creepy. But he and I also agreed that the message this storyline sent to young girls was inappropriate, with the focus on devoting your entire being to your one true love and giving up your future and your identity to be with them.

But it wasn't until this week that I realized how dangerous the 'Twilight' example really is. In the second movie, both Bella and Edward try to kill themselves when they believe they have lost their love forever. By that philosophy, I should be doing the same right now. Greg was my soulmate, and the pain I am feeling at his loss is crushing. But I know I must go on. I know there is still a lot of my life to be lived, and while I will miss my husband every day, I will go on. At risk of being corny (and to reference another of our favorite movies), my heart will go on.

Young ladies, go ahead and enjoy the 'Twilight' books, but realize they are not real life, and they definitely do not represent true love. True love does not require you to give up everything in your life, it compromises and grows and becomes part of that life. True love does not make you become a part of someone else, it celebrates your individuality, and while each of your pieces together makes something beautiful, your single piece is not diminished when standing alone. True love makes you believe in yourself as much as you believe in your love. I will be forever grateful to Greg for showing me what true love really is. And I think 'The Hunger Games' series is much better than 'Twilight'.

The Couch of Truth

From the very beginning of our relationship, I found myself wanting to tell Greg things about myself that nobody else knew. He was an excellent listener, focused and quiet, and he knew when he should offer advice or opinions and when he should simply sit and listen. I also wanted to know everything there was to know about him, and we would have conversations that lasted hours. It started when I would drive him home from the community theater where we met, which often ended up with the two of us sitting in my car outside his apartment until 1:00 AM or later. Later, when we moved in together, it would continue on his sofa with talks, debates, revelations and admissions, conversations we would never be able to have with anyone else.

As our relationship grew and solidified, the discussions continued, and in recent years our communication developed the concept of The Couch of Truth. Here was where we could turn off phones, computers and TV and talk about absolutely anything, especially those topics which we knew we could not discuss with anyone else. We didn't agree on absolutely everything, but we knew we could bring up any concept, any opinion, any argument and it would be received openly without fear of reprisal. I'm not saying we never had any secrets from each other, but on The Couch of Truth, nothing was hidden and any topic was open for discussion. It was liberating, and it built a level of trust and love that I never dreamed possible.

In recent months, Greg and I had discussed replacing the current incarnation of The Couch of Truth. Our soft brown sofa, while incredibly comfortable, has stains, creaky springs and cushions that refuse to stay in place. Now that he is gone, I know it's going to be incredibly hard to give it up, but it's also hard for me to imagine having this level of communication with someone else. I'm thinking maybe, though, I can keep the Couch of Truth in my office or my bedroom as a place for contemplation and meditation. Even if Greg isn't here, I can still tell him everything.

Be Selfish

When I first met Greg, he and I were both selfish, in the worst sense of the word. We would not have admitted it at the time, but we were each rather blind to the effect our actions had on others, and the creation of our relationship brought pain to others who were close to us at the time. Our first few years together were tumultuous as we struggled with our clashing egos, each trying to take power over the other, and our continued relationships with some individuals who were determined to divide us did not help matters.

After five years of on again/off again, I made the decision to leave the New York area and live in Seattle in an attempt to remove myself from the chaos. I still loved Greg and hoped to be able to continue my relationship with him in some form, but I wanted time and distance to be able to see things clearly and make decisions about my future, whether it was with him or without him. I thank the gods every day that he decided to follow me. He quit his job, got his first drivers license and gave up his rent controlled apartment to drive all the way across the country with me, and the tenuous seedling of our love was finally able to take firm hold and grow into the unshakable tree I hold on to today.

Part of our process of building a life together included a lot of examination of how we interacted with other people, and we strived to have greater empathy. After a lot of soul searching, Greg came up with the real secret - ultimately you have to be selfish. But it's not about the selfishness of instant gratification and meeting your immediate emotional needs. It's about long term selfishness and the feeling you get when you really connect with other people and make them feel good. You make your daily decisions with the long term view of feeling the warmth of friendship and the satisfaction of helping others instead of the fleeting pleasure of helping yourself.

It's this philosophy of selfishness that I am thankful for today. Not only was I a direct recipient of Greg's thoughtfulness on a daily basis, but this conscious effort to strengthen relationships created the safety net of friendship that has saved me these past two weeks. It will be harder without Greg's guidance, but I will strive to continue his practice of being ultimately selfish and gain long term happiness through kindness, love and friendship for others.